TEST DRIVE MEME #11

[abraxasmods]

Test Drive Meme

Welcome to the Test Drive Meme for Abraxas! This meme is run a little bit differently than most in that you'll be asked to choose one of the three different arrival scenarios below for your character to take. If you have any questions about this mechanic or anything else related to the TDM, please take a look at the questions below or ask one of your own under the Questions header below. For general game questions please still use the FAQ.

Below are some links to information you may find useful. Our Setting pages have information about the world itself as well as current events for each nation, while our Game History page outlines the game's story so far.

Setting | Game History | NPCs | Arcana
You can also find answers to questions asked on previous TDMs in their respective questions threads.

Reminder that the TDM is forward-dated to when the summonings occur in-game, at the start of April. For current players, this means all of the Summoned will have been rescued and recently returned home to their respective factions.

For prospective players, there's no need to familiarize yourself with the recent event, but prompts in the TDM may reflect the aftermath.

Summoning

You awaken suspended in the abyss, silent darkness stretching out in all directions. If you try to yell, you'll find that the sound doesn't carry. If you try to move, you'll find it's impossible to tell whether or not you're actually getting anywhere. If you reach for an item you were carrying last time you remember being awake, your hand will only touch bare skin.

You're naked and floating helplessly through the void, and what little air you have in your lungs is running out.

There's a pinprick of light that almost looks like a faraway star but as it grows it becomes clear that it's actually quite close. It's hard to make out any individual objects, as if you're looking from beneath rippling water.

A hand plunges through and you realize water is just what it is. Whether you take hold of the hand or not it will grab you and yank you up through the surface, lifting you out until you're sprawled on solid ground - still unclothed.

Arrival

You'll find yourself summoned to one of the following three major nations: the extravagant and magical Kingdom of Thorne, the bustling and advanced Free Cities, or the tightknit and faith-driven rural community of the Solvunn Commune.

If you had any powers, they feel unusually weak. Attempts to use magic or enhanced strength or powers of any sort fizzle out without any effect, but they don't feel completely gone, either. After a week or so, your abilities will return.

When you gather your bearings at last, you look up into a series of unfamiliar faces...and equally unfamiliar surroundings.

Welcome to Thorne

Set into an indent on a marble slab behind the fountain is a card bearing the image of one of the Arcana. An apprentice mage - the one whose hand lifted you out of the fountain - brushes the water off on their robes and runs back to join a group of three others, who all stare intently at another mage with highly decorated robes and a large, heavy book. The man peers up at you for a moment and starts flipping through the book.

"One moment," he says, not bothering to look up from the tome. He looks tired. "I am Ambrose Rhett, the High Mage of the Kingdom of Thorne. We’ll explain everything in a moment, but for now, please calm down. You’re completely fine."

Regardless of your response, he keeps flipping through the pages, until he stops on one specific passage, stares at it for a moment, and then nods, satisfied. "Excellent." He motions for one of the young apprentice mages over. "Settle our guest in, please. I don't have all day."

The apprentice hurries forward with a fine silk tunic, pants, and some basic sandals. With a wave of their hand, the clothes reshape to fit you perfectly. Once you're dressed, the apprentice leads you into the hallways of Castle Thorne, prattling on about the kingdom, names of royals and nobles, and, of course, the reason why you're here: the world itself is in great peril, and tales of your exploits have reached far and wide across universes. If asked about these exploits, the apprentice will simply smile and shrug. The High Mage was happy to see you and that's good enough.

◎ Surroundings

Castle Thorne is where not only royals and members of the court reside, but includes the surrounding city itself. Now in spring, the weather mild and cool. In the distance, you can see snow-covered mountain peaks that are beginning to melt, and the gardens are in bloom. The castle is enchanted to be at a comfortable temperature.

As you walk or look around, you take in some of what's going on around you:

• The North Wing, devoted to housing the Summoned, is tightly guarded against outsiders. As one of the Summoned, you're free to come and go. The guards aren't keeping anyone prisoner. They're there to protect you, and they take their jobs seriously.


• Apprentices, kitchen staff, guards - everyone seems to be bustling and busy. The air is tense, and you hear chatter of abductions and mutated victims who were only just recovered a week ago.


• The infirmary is full. Healers are in high demand. Normally, Thorne's staff put effort into welcoming new arrivals. This time, they're focused on what seems to be an influx of the wounded - including other Summoned who arrived before you.


• Despite the troubles, life in the Castle is beginning to resume. Still, you can sense that a major crisis has only just been resolved, and much of the fallout remains.

◎ Exploring

Despite the troubles that plague the land, Castle Thorne and its surrounding city have much for you to indulge in.

Care Packages
Castle staff are putting together care packages consisting of flowers, hot meals, and draughts to manage pain. Gather flowers from one of Thorne's many beautiful gardens. The gardeners will direct you if you ask, though you're welcome to gather anything that catches your eye. There's no magic in the flowers beyond their ability to brighten up someone's day.

You can put together the bouquets and care packages with a partner, as well as deliver them yourself to one of the older resting Summoned. They might be in the infirmary or in their rooms depending on their injuries. Why not stay and chat? Though you've only just met, they've evidently been through something terrible. Perhaps they could use a friend.

Magic Lessons
Regular magic lessons are held by apprentice mages as part of their training, usually involving learning to cast a small spell. These classes are for the natives of Thorne, but you're welcome to join if you wish. The spell they will be teaching is conjuring a modest defensive light shield that can protect against a single magical blow. The spell relies on Academic Magic which involves a few words said correctly. You'll likely need a few lessons to grasp it unless you're well-versed in magic already. In the meantime, the class of fresh-faced students means there's a constant bright explosion of light coming from the practice room as the spells fail. It isn't dangerous, but it can be annoying.

Forest Growth
Patches of woods in the city of Castle Thorne have suffered from dead flora. It appears to be related to some heavy magical corruption from the past several weeks. Though Thorne's deemed it too dangerous to go directly into the woods, you can help plant new saplings in square crates filled with soil and pack them onto wagons. Make sure they're secured and kept upright. These trees will be taken out into the woods later by mages to replace the withered plantlife in the forests.

Nocwich
Nocwich, which is shrouded in an eternal darkness and is home to the werewolves and the vampires, opens on the first weekend of every month for a total of 3 days. Shortly after arriving, you'll be given a pendant that allows you to travel to and from the portal. In Castle Thorne, the portal is a short walk around the back of the castle. While Nocwich is normally thriving, no shops are open in Oleuni Square. Nocwich citizens explain that unforeseen circumstances prevent the market from opening as usual and request you return next month to explore. However, you can stay to help. Tents, tables, and medical supplies around the Square need to be taken down and packed up. You can guess that this was once a site for heavy rescue operations and emergency treatment.

◎ Settling In

When you're ready to rest, you're shown to the North Wing, which has been set up as living quarters for you and your fellow newcomers. There are four people to a room, but each generously-sized bed has opaque curtains that can be drawn around it. You can meet your roommates here and discuss your shared situation (those who were previously brought in may have a great deal of information to tell you).

Although you can leave the castle, you can't leave its surrounding city with the exception of entering Nott via portal in order to assist with rebuilding or visiting Nocwich. Borders are especially well-guarded right now due to the recent attacks. Besides, Castle Thorne gives you everything you need: fine clothes, great food and wine, massive libraries, and all the magic and knowledge you could want. Isn't that plenty? You won't be given money as you're provided for, so if you want to do some personal spending later, you'll have to find a job in the city on your own.

Welcome to the Free Cities

Dry warmth hits you at once as you're set on a hard floor of dull ruddy stone. Men and women in unfamiliar uniforms of brown and red leather stand in a semi-circle around a small pool of water - the very pool you were just pulled from. The water is still now, rimmed in pale gold tiles with odd symbols etched into them. Across it is a raised pedestal with a card bearing an Arcana symbol.

A guard covers you with a simple robe and returns to their place in the semi-circle. Before you stands another woman, dressed in a more elaborate and decorated uniform than the others. A sword rests at her hip. She carries an air of authority as she approaches you with a nod and a warm smile. "Sorry about the circumstances. Take a minute, catch your breath. I'm Prime Minister Marlo Reiner and you're in The Free Cities. That nice lady over there will explain everything to you and get you settled."

A robed mage off to the side approaches to help you up. She brings you out of the cave through a corridor that angles upwards until you emerge in what looks like some kind of storage facility. You'll learn you're in the Cadens Desert Outpost 003, a military base on the outskirts of the major city of Cadens. You're told the world is in delicate and dangerous times, and you're needed to help. You're important and they're very grateful you're here.

◎ Surroundings

While you're currently at the outpost just outside of the city proper, Cadens on the whole is a large bustling city. Temperatures are rising, and the climate is hot and dry, though still pleasant - during the day, at least. At night, they'll cool rapidly. Desert blooms dot the landscape for the spring. Look to the west and you'll see a long stretch of desert wasteland. This is the infamous Badlands. The soldiers don't recommend going out there unprepared - you're likely to face a slow death to the elements or be eaten. Reaching Cadens is possible by wagon, a trip of about 2 hours each way. You're asked to return by sundown for your own safety... but no one will chase after you if you don't.

You'll be given a military style uniform with your Arcana stitched on it where a formal rank would normally be. As you walk or look around, you take in some of what's going on around you:

• Libertas shows signs of having suffered a devastating attack, but a good portion of it is rebuilt including a new garden park memorial that commemorates the lives lost. Chatter has shifted from the fire attacks to the abductions and failed experiments recovered only a week ago.


• From Cadens to Aquila to Libertas, the streets are heavily guarded. Soldiers patrol all areas, especially those typically occupied by the Summoned. This includes a particular inn and tavern in the heart of Cadens - The Sarstina - where the Summoned like you are often found...though it may not be as busy and thriving as it normally is.


• Instead, many of the older Summoned are either resting in their homes or recovering in Cadens' largest hospital. Doctors are busy, and the hospital is heavily guarded, too.


• Despite the troubles, life around the Free Cities is beginning to resume. Still, you can sense that a major crisis has only just been resolved, and much of the fallout remains.

◎ Exploring

Despite the troubles that plague the land, the barracks and Cadens have much for you to indulge in.

Training Grounds
Non-lethal training weapons and obstacle courses are set up for anyone to use. The soldiers will be watching, and if you catch their attention they might approach you and encourage you to enlist. You're free to invite other new arrivals to spar, but be sure to keep things friendly and avoid trouble. Discipline is key in the barracks. If you're especially competitive, the soldiers will sometimes hold impromptu obstacle races with informal wagers made. They'll be happy to race against even the most unlikely of opponents, and you'll be judged more on your spirit rather than your skill. If you really impress them, they'll even buy you a drink.

Supply Delivery
The Summoned are important to the Free Cities. The government means to take care of them through their recovery, and have instructed the military to assist. Soldiers are packing rations, medicine, and other supplies into crates to be delivered to the hospital in Cadens. You can help pack or make the deliveries yourself by hopping on the wagon. Though you aren't supposed to wander around the hospital, as one of the Summoned you have a bit more freedom than the average citizen. Maybe you could visit one of the rooms while you're there? Or you might run into a Summoned in the halls arriving to check on a friend.

Furry Friends
Researchers in Cadens have been studying the positive effects of animal companions on those who recently went through traumatic experiences. They've settled on the catlike Leosylph, a popular domestic breed, as the best choice. You can help bring these animals to anyone who would like one in the hospitals, or you can simply play with them and make sure they're fed while they're awaiting their assignments. They enjoy chasing mechanical mice powered by New Magic and purr when happy.

Nocwich
Nocwich, which is shrouded in an eternal darkness and is home to the werewolves and the vampires, opens on the first weekend of every month for a total of 3 days. Shortly after arriving, you'll be given a pendant that allows you to travel to and from the portal. In Cadens, the portal is a short walk away from the center of the city. While Nocwich is normally thriving, no shops are open in Oleuni Square. Nocwich citizens explain that unforeseen circumstances prevent the market from opening as usual and request you return next month to explore. However, you can stay to help. Tents, tables, and medical supplies around the Square need to be taken down and packed up. You can guess that this was once a site for heavy rescue operations and emergency treatment.

◎ Settling In

When you're ready to turn in, the barracks are waiting for you. They have a communal bathing room at the end of the hall, with curtains that can be pulled around the individual raised round tubs for privacy. Each barracks room is rather sparse. Six simple beds set against the wall, three on each side of the room, each with a trunk at the foot of it. You can greet your roommates here, most of whom will be new arrivals, as well.

If you plan on making use of your assigned quarters, you'll have your basic needs met: uniforms, a roof, bland food from the mess hall, and access to the training grounds. You won't be paid unless you formally enlist with the army. The longer you take advantage of the barracks, the greater the pressure to enlist. Some soldiers will start to see you as a freeloader if you refuse to join them yet continue to use their resources. If you're set on not enlisting, you can always strike out on your own in Cadens - but you won't be provided for and handouts are rare. You'll have to work to earn every copper and loaf of bread. Whether that's honest work is up to you.

Welcome to Solvunn

You're in a grassy clearing in the midst of a circle of large stone slabs stacked to look like doorways. In the middle is the same glimmering pool you were just pulled from. An elderly mage stands before an ornate altar. He holds an old leather-bound book in one hand and in the other is a card bearing an arcana symbol. "I detect no ill will from the gods," he says. "It seems we've been blessed with success."

Those that had gathered all breathe a sigh of relief and now seem pleased. One offers you some clothes of leather and knitted wool that seem to fit you perfectly. A rough-looking man steps forward once you're dressed and motions with his head outside of the stone circle. His speech is informal, his consonants harsh.

"Hold your horses, I can see all those questions coming about! Rowan March, at your service. I'm one of the council members of Solvunn. There's a lot to discuss, but it's best talked about over a hot meal." He leads you to a horse-drawn carriage and helps you up into the back. He talks the entire ride to the center of the Primary Settlement. You're told that the world hangs upon the brink of disaster and that there are those in this world that are happy to see it fall to ruin with their meddling.

You're important. The gods have graced them with your presence. They're delighted you're here.

◎ Surroundings

The Primary Settlement is full of greenery, blessed with the fresh ocean breeze. Winds are pleasantly cool with the occasional heavy spring rains that soak the farmlands. The scent of wildflowers fills the air. The shops, farms, and homes around you are all modest and unassuming. You get the sense that the people here prefer to blend in with their neighbors than stand out.

As you walk or look around, you'll be greeted warmly, even eagerly...though there's an edge of awestruck nervousness to some. Though the settlement is often quiet and calm, there's still plenty to take in:

• Shops and stalls in Solvunn are temporarily closed. Many of Solvunn's residents have instead dedicated their time to helping the rescued Summoned. They're reluctant to speak of the recent abductions, stating that what happened was blasphemous to the Old Gods.


• Solvunn Elders will accompany anyone who strays too far from the Settlements, and will give you protective charms to make sure you're safe. You're advised to stay close to the commune where possible.


• Shrines around the settlements are overflowing with offerings. It seems something has happened recently that's made the locals especially dedicated to showing their devotion.


• You're free to venture towards the ocean if you like, though heed the warnings of leviathans. These beasts do not stir near the shores, but if you look closely in the far distance - at night in particular - you'll see the water's surface bubble and roil beneath the moonlight.

◎ Exploring

Despite the troubles that plague the commune, the commune and its settlements have much for you to indulge in.

Warding Homes
In order to aid recovery, commune Elders have asked for your help to ward the doors of homes occupied by the Summoned. Many of these homes are in housing provided by the Council or with host families in the settlement. You can hang bone wreathes on the doors to request blessings of protection and healing from the Old Gods. You can also bring hot meals and herbal medicine to the Summoned while you're there. Host families are friendly, and will welcome you in as long as the Summoned inside are willing to receive you, as well.

Shrine Offerings
As a new arrival, you'll be encouraged to perform your first offering. This can be anything that feels right to you: fruit, wine, flowers, even an animal you've hunted. Whatever you choose, it must be retrieved by your own hand meaning you must pick the fruit, cut the flowers, or pour the wine yourself. You can travel to the shrine by yourself or with a companion. Once there, lay your offering and ask for a blessing through Solvunn's tradition of High Magic. Blessings are often made for the commune overall such as abundant crops or good weather. You will not see the effects right away, but you may find over the next day or so that the sun has cut through the rain. Of course, you're free to dismiss this as the nature of how weather works...but don't be too loud about it. Solvunn takes its beliefs very seriously.

Goat Herding
Due to the circumstances, Solvunn's traditional chaotic goat races will not be happening this month. This means the goats are filled with pent-up energy. Ornery and mischievous, they'll headbutt anything that moves, chew fence posts and clothes, and generally make a nuisance of themselves - some even escaping their pens. Exasperated farmers and herders are struggling. You can help retrieve escaped goats, repair broken fences, and do your best to contain the animals.

Nocwich
Nocwich, which is shrouded in an eternal darkness and is home to the werewolves and the vampires, opens on the first weekend of every month for a total of 3 days. Shortly after arriving, you'll be given a pendant that allows you to travel to and from the portal. In Solvunn, the portal is a short walk away. While Nocwich is normally thriving, no shops are open in Oleuni Square. Nocwich citizens explain that unforeseen circumstances prevent the market from opening as usual and request you return next month to explore. However, you can stay to help. Tents, tables, and medical supplies around the Square need to be taken down and packed up. You can guess that this was once a site for heavy rescue operations and emergency treatment.

◎ Settling In

When you're ready for your bed, you're brought to the center of town and escorted to an apartment above one of the establishments in town. The living conditions are temporary if you'd like them to be: the local families would also be happy to host you in their home. In return, you'll be expected to contribute to their household, taking upon daily chores and repairs. While money has its uses, many establishments and craftsmen are happy to barter with your time or skill for their goods. You'll find your willingness to trade and your friendliness with the natives more valuable than gold.

You can even leave for the other two settlements if you like, but you're encouraged to remain in the Primary Settlement. Just be sure you have an invitation to the Secondary Settlement. There are tales of travelers visiting the secondary settlement without invitation disappearing without a trace. The gods are as hungry as they are protective.

Questions and Answers

If after reading these you're still unsure about anything, or your question wasn't covered, please feel free to hit up our Questions thread below!

How many slots are open?

Please check the Taken page for how many player, franchise, and canon slots are available. Activity check will be processed before applications open, so the count may change between now and then. Existing players can apply for a second character without restriction.

How do I choose a scenario for my character?

Pick whichever situation appeals to you most. Which faction your character is drawn into has nothing to do with their personal morality, beliefs, or how highly they regard themselves and their own accomplishments. Anyone can be put into any one of the situations.

What happens if my character refuses to comply with the NPCs?

They will be forgiven for their moment of panic or anger if they have one, and the faction leaders will try to calm them and persuade them further. If they put up too much of a fight and/or start actively attacking anyone, they will be warned once that everyone is willing to put them back in the well where they came from (see below), and if they continue to fight they will make good on that promise.

My character intends on causing a lot of trouble (destroying parts of the cities, murdering the NPCs, etc.), what would happen to them?

Characters who make too much trouble for the mages and other NPCs would be thrown back in the well (which will mean drowning in the void, not returning home). Brawling with other PCs and causing minor damage is fine and will be greeted with a cranky attitude and intervention from various NPC guards, and there will be plenty of opportunity for destruction and murder later, but for now the Abraxans have no desire to keep huge liabilities around.

Is the power loss for characters permanent?

No, but it does take a week or so for their powers to be back in full, and certain powers (determined on a case-by-case basis) may require nerfs. If your character has world-breaking powers, please discuss with the mods what modifications may be necessary.

Can my character leave the bounds of the nation?

In Thorne, characters can leave the castle but not the city. In the Free Cities, they can take a trip from the outpost to the nearest main city, Cadens. In Solvunn, they can explore the entirety of the Primary Settlement.

Can my character eventually change nations or kingdoms?

Yes, but tensions between the major nations are at an all-time high. Doing so is possible, but will require some plotting and discussion with the mods once you're in-game!

How much will my choice of scenario affect my character's plot later on?

This choice will determine where your character initially lives as well as the bias of the information they receive from NPCs (although other PCs can and most likely will give it to them a bit more straight). It will also affect your character's day-to-day life and development. Characters who seek technological advancements or combat will find more of it in the Free Cities while those keen on court politics and learning magic will have the most access to it in Thorne. Anyone who wishes to uncover the secrets of the Old Gods and forest mysteries will best do so in Solvunn.

This is not to say characters can't do these things from another faction - with effort and the help of friends, anything is possible! Don't get too anxious about your choice. This is just one of many, and every character in each scenario can work their way towards many individual goals and outcomes. Additionally, once in-game the Horizon will provide characters with a way to easily find cross-faction CR.

Are TDM threads mandatory for my application?

No, you may use other samples, but we encourage you to post to the TDM and get a feel for this game and its mechanics before you join. If you do not have a TDM thread you will still need to choose one of the three scenarios on your application.

What if I haven't settled on a sign yet?

Your Arcana sign won't have an immediate impact on your character beyond them seeing it on themselves or being told what it is by the locals. You're welcome to disregard those aspects in your prompts or try out different signs.

Can my character go to the Horizon?

First time visitors to the Horizon must be taken there by other characters, through either shared meditation or a physical journey to the Singularity, and all first-timers experience memory loss. For the purposes of the TDM, we suggest against using the Horizon.

If you're interested in threading with characters outside your borders on the TDM, you can utilize the Nocwich prompt which will allow all characters to meet in person regardless of arrival scenario.

What about making use of the network?

Much like Horizon they would need to be introduced to it by another PC, as no NPCs would be aware of the network or be able to access it. Because of this, we would advise against using this mechanic for TDM top-levels.

Can I try out more than one arrival scenario on the same TDM?

Yes, although only threads taking place in the arrival scenario you formally choose upon applying can count as canon. However, you're welcome to try out as many as you like on the TDM.

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Comments

[brandingproblem]

[She's warm, and while she wears a different scent with his face tucked by her hair, she feels the same. Right down to the hands on his face, familiar, home. It hurts to smile, and he does it anyway, strained and yet meaning every motion of it.]

Yeah, well, not so dramatic. [His voice is thick, and it's punctuated with a sniff.] Apparently everyone shows up buck-ass naked and drowning. Here I thought I was special. Beat me to it, as always.

[They're going to have to talk about it, but they have to joke it out, first. It's just what they do. Slotting so easily back into place.]

[widows_kiss]

I'm sure you still managed to make quite the impression.

[ Her lips quirk, but her voice is equally choked with emotion as she searches his face. Memorizes the changes she can see there in their time apart. Her thumb strokes against his cheekbone.

But she moves on to ask the next question that pops immediately to mind. ] Who Summoned you?

[ An easier thing to ask than any of the million others she knows they'll have to tackle at some point. ]

[brandingproblem]

[Right to business. Yeah, that's Natasha all right. He keeps his arms around her, loose enough not to feel confining, still tight enough to be a hold. He never wants to let go again.

God, maybe Wanda had it right. Maybe he should stay a while.]

You looking for a person, a place, or my star sign? [He'll be appropriately flippant about this whole kidnapping thing until he's not pissed about it.] I got pulled out of a puddle in Solvunn, and apparently the old gods are happy about that. Gotta see if I can meet these gods. They don't exactly scare me. [The gods he's met have all been perfectly punchable, after all.]</small.

[widows_kiss]

[ She lets her hands drop away from his face, but only to keep her arms looped around his neck. Not moving away either, she's comfortable here for now. Not caring what it looks like, it's enough that she gets to stand here face to face with him again.

She grins a little at his flippant response, because she'd approached this whole thing in almost exactly the same way. ] Solvunn. Good. Wanda's there. [ Even though she's a little disappointed that he's yet another friend kept at a distance from her. There's ways around that, at least. ]

I'm not sure I'd be in such a hurry to meet these ones. They seem way more along the lines of a Lovecraftian nightmares than Asgardian assholes. [ But just wait until you meet the devil. ] Although if you're gonna run into them, you're in the best Faction for it. They're real fond of them down there, from what I hear.

[brandingproblem]

Wanda mentioned you were here. Thank her later that she prepared me a little for this.

[And it's good. This is good. He presses a kiss to her forehead, because he can. Because this is the only place he'll get to. Since she's far long gone back home.]

The people have their own little cult-y rituals about stuff. Gives me real Wicker Man vibes. I'm doing what I can, cuz what else am I gonna do, but if I end up being a pagan sacrifice, I won't be too surprised.

[widows_kiss]

[ It gets a spurt of laughter from Natasha, her eyes sliding shut as his lips press to her forehead, leaning into the contact, her hold tightening for a moment. ]

Well, you'll probably be happier living in The Village than Camelot. They're kinda stuck up in Thorne. On the plus side, the food's pretty decent and I get to learn magic from the Sorcerer Supreme. Of course, the downside might be the royalty going all Queen of Hearts on us with no warning, so there is that.

[ She pulls back enough to glance up at him again, searching his face as her smile softens, turns more fond, if a little sad. ]

I've missed you.

[brandingproblem]

Don't go losing your head. Or I'm gonna have to charge in there and do something stupid.

[He doesn't know what all the risks are, around here. It's all upside down, and Nat learning magic, and she's real and here and alive and-

He ducks his head.]

Me, too. [It's getting hard to breathe again. Has to force himself.] You get told about after? It worked. Everyone's back. Lost Stark in the process.

Met Yelena.

[widows_kiss]

[ They've got time, as odd as that feels to think. Time to catch up, time to fill him in.

He tells her some of it, most that she's heard from the others by now but she lets him talk, lets him tell her. She wants to hear it from his lips anyway. She's nodding at his words, lips parting to answer when he asks if she knows, about what happened, about Tony.

And then he drops that final name and it's enough to have her freeze all over again, because that's a consequence of her decision she's been trying not to think about too hard. Another jagged hole she's been carefully avoiding in a literal minefield of grief.

She lets her eyes slide closed, if only to spare him the depth of the ache she knows she can't quite hide in time, lets her head tip forward to rest her forehead against his shoulder. Takes a deep, shuddering breath. ]

Do I even want to ask how that went?

[brandingproblem]

[Yeah, that seems about right. Frankly, there's still a physical ache from the sound beating he'd gotten, but pain's an old old friend by now. He rubs a hand gently up and down her back, and an exhausted chuckle huffs out of him.]

Well, I'm still alive. So it could've gone worse.

[widows_kiss]

[ Something in how he phrases that has her head coming back up with surprise, a sniff holding back tears a little longer as she looks up at him. ]

Wait, you two fought?

[ Not that Yelena fighting someone is all that surprising - that was the first thing they'd done as well, upon reuniting, but that had been different. ]

[brandingproblem]

[Her surprise surprises him in a little feedback loop.]

Yeah. I can't imagine who she'd blame for her sister being dead once she found out. It's almost like I was an easy target for her grief that I can't blame her for.

[widows_kiss]

[ She probably should have anticipated that, in hindsight. But blaming Clint for what had happened was so far from the truth that it hadn't even registered as a possibility until he'd spoken it into reality. She'd known it would cause him guilt on top of the grief, but she'd hoped having his family back would balance it out somewhat.

For someone else to hold him responsible, however...

She huffs out an irritated breath as she considers the implications of that, but then she narrows her gaze at him, speculative. ]

Well. In that case, I hope you kicked her ass. And you better not be thinking you deserved that because you're not to blame for my choices. [ She jabs a finger against his shoulder to emphasize the point, because that sounds like exactly the kind of idiocy he would pull when she's not there to smack him for it. ]

[brandingproblem]

[...There is a point that nags at him in the aftermath, though. Sure, yeah, of course Yelena would've used whatever Black Widow tools and gear she still had access to. But then there's the fact that she had actually been hired. That Kate's mom had hired her, whether through luck or chance or some oddly specific calculation.

And he's got shit luck, sure, and given his status as a (former) Avenger, a Black Widow isn't really overkill. But he doesn't like happy coincidences.

Hm. Probably the hit went out, and she was more than happy to get the excuse. Convenience. That's all. The only reason why she hadn't tried beforehand, maybe.]

Tasha. We're talking about your sister here. Your little sister? Younger than both of us and the same training as you? And she caught me at the end of a protracted fight--don't worry about it. [Details! Those details can come later. Shooting some arrows at some tracksuit mooks, that's nothing.] I gave as good as I got. And I used my charm and wits to disarm her.

[She had him right where she wanted him, and he made a desperate heart to heart plea. Is what he means.]

We're...okay? [Definitely said as a question. He's pretty sure they still don't want to ever have to cross paths again.]

[widows_kiss]

[ So you're saying it's kinda how they met, then? Figures.

That doesn't mean she's not still annoyed that her little sister had tried in the first place, but Clint sort of had terrible luck like that. ]

Well, since you used your charm and wits... it's impressive you survived it at all, in that case. [ She lets her tone turn wry as she shoots him a faint smirk, falling back into the familiar banter they'd always shared so easily. ]

[brandingproblem]

Your whistle came in handy, so my mouth is sometimes able to get me out of trouble instead of in it.

[Roll the painful truth in some self-deprecation for amusement's sake. Try and ease the roiling feelings with little bits of joy and laughter.

God, they have to talk about it. It's the elephant in the room.]

She thought if she was there, she could've stopped you. [Sobering himself up a little. Ease into it.] I reminded her. It's you. No one could have stopped you. Definitely not either of us.

[widows_kiss]

[ Her breath leaves her in a shuddering exhale and she blinks back the burn of tears. Hands lift once more to cup against his cheeks, dragging him down until she could rest her forehead against his. Taking a moment to mourn the loss of both of them, all over again. Her family. ]

How's Laura? And the kids?

[ A reminder, of why she'd made the choice she had. Of why it had to be her. For him, more than her, but sometimes it helped to remind herself, too. Not quite an answer to him approaching the elephant, but coming at the topic sideways. Something she'd learned from him. ]

[brandingproblem]

[He never wants to leave this moment. Leaning together as they did before. Mirrors her, to touch her face, cup gently. They exist here together even in just this place and time. Hold on to it.]

They're good, they're great.. [Beautiful and perfect and amazing and alive. And Natasha should get to be there to see it. His eyes squeeze shut. Eventually, their dams both will break. Not yet. Not yet.] They miss their Aunt Nat.

[widows_kiss]

[ Not yet, but he's doing great at pushing her closer.

She gives a choked, tearful laugh at how he tosses it back in her court, not letting her evade like she hoped. Of course not. And he's not wrong. God, she wishes she could have seen them one more time. Hugged them. ]

I miss them, too. I miss all of you. They needed their dad, Clint. [ Her voice breaks a little on that word, the role something she'd had for so brief a time, even if it wasn't real, and then had ripped away. Even if he never forgave her for it, it had been the right choice. It was shitty there had to be a choice at all, but what they'd been doing... There was always a cost. ]

[brandingproblem]

[It's been a long year to try and come to terms with that. He doesn't always believe it, but he's trying, and some days--more days than not, even--it actually works.]

I know.

[He knows, he knows it's true, and he knows that she did the only thing she could possibly have done. And he knows how fucking bullshit the entire scenario was. Impossible. Cruel.

He can feel a tremble working through his body, and he pulls her back into a full, tight hug.]

Thank you.

[widows_kiss]

[ She wraps herself around him, arms tight, her face buried against his throat. She just holds him for a long moment and if there are tears, at least she can hide them against his shirt, even if that will be the least inconspicuous method ever. She can feel that tremble sweep through him and it just has her tightening her grip.

She thought she'd been through the hardest of these reunions by now. She hadn't anticipated this one, not after being here for several months now. Nowhere near as long as he'd been dealing with the grief, she's guessing. She lets him hold on as long as he needs to, clinging back just as tightly.

For once, she's not sure what she should say to fill the silence. So she doesn't. Not yet. Just holds on and soaks up the warmth of it, grateful for the chance to have this at all. ]

[brandingproblem]

I'm trying--god, you're not gonna wanna hear this. [Is that fact, or the fact that his voice shakes the entire time, going to stop him? Of course not.] I'm trying to be better. Get myself right. So it feels deserved. Be worthy of what you did.

[He knows when he talks to her back home, he's just talking to the air, talking out loud, that she can't actually hear him. Or, he figures so, but the hell does he know? To repeat some of those ideas and ideals now feels kind of silly, except now she gets to actually hear it.]

I know that's not how this works. [Being worthy or deserving, like it's a Thor's hammer situation. That they're the last people who will ever judge each other.] Still trying.

[widows_kiss]

[ His words don't surprise her, and her hand slides around to cup at the nape of his neck, holding him close. She can't quite stop the tears that slip free - both at his words and the shaking tone he utters them in. ]

Idiot. [ It's said with every ounce of fondness she holds for him, all wry affection, even if it's choked with her own tears, shuddering out between a ragged breath. ] You've always been worthy of it.

[brandingproblem]

[He coughs a wet little laugh at that. Yeah. Yeah, he's an idiot, and she means it with so much love it hurts. For spies and liars, they keep each other honest. He has to trust that she thinks him worthy, worthwhile, even if he struggles with the idea. Their arguing on that stupid cliffside that they don't fucking judge each other for their pasts, red-dripping ledgers, even though he still thinks what he did is certainly worth judging.

Maybe also worth judging, then: that she didn't come get him until there was that unwanted spark of hope.

And since he'll never judge her for that... It's a circle that he keeps going around. The damage has been done. He's reaping some of the fallout of that damage. Trying desperately to keep others from getting caught up in it. Like everything else he's done in his life for good or ill, he just has to keep moving forward and try to do better.]

Imagine if we'd chucked Red Voldemort off the cliff instead.

[Mitigate with humor. Always the default call.]

[widows_kiss]

[ Often the safest call, at least. Even if it was her default, too. But she just chuckles, pulling back enough to meet his gaze again. ]

Just our luck, he woulda had one of those horcrux-things and it wouldn't have worked anyway. [ Which just makes her think of other things and she gives a thoughtful hum. Letting her hands slide down from his shoulders to his hands, she gives him a tug, leading him over to the side where the table and chairs she'd been working at were still waiting. The surface was covered with a combination of maps, scribbled notes, and unused bandages. ]

You said Wanda filled you in on things here?

[brandingproblem]

[They might both be a mess, but they also can't just stand here hugging each other forever. Even if that sounds like a great idea to be honest. There's still work to be done. Or, it seems he stumbled in on Nat in the middle of work being done, anyway. He follows dutifully, tamping down on the emotional beast inside. Trying to.]

I said she told me about you being here. And she told me about herself. Had some catching up to do on our end. We didn't really get into the nitty gritty about this place--though I got the feeling that us newbies aren't exactly given a whole lot of detail.

Obviously some shit's gone down pretty recently.